This weekend was actually a good one. I don't think that I thought about not having kids as much as I normally do. I did think about how much I love being with my sweet DH. He really is a great guy.
I have a friend who had similar problems conceiving on her own. They were about ready to adopt when she got pregnant with her first son. I don't think I really asked her what happened. I guess that I should. She said something profound to me the other day. "Don't let this define who you are." Man, is that hard not to do. I mean, didn't God put me on this earth to procreate?
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Okay...this is my first try at this. I almost bought a journal the other day, but carrying and actually writing in it isn't very probable. Lately, I have had so much on my mind and feel that they people I have to physically talk to about it, wouldn't understand. I read a blog on here and it was like she was living my life. So, here I go.
My husband and I have been married just over 2 years. He is a great person. Energetic, funny...my rock and island when I feel like I am floating away. This is a second marriage for both so I think that we came into our relationship knowing what works and what doesn't. Neither one of us has had any children either. His first wife had three from a previous marriage, so he felt that he was okay with taking a part in their lives instead of having their own. But when we got married and he know how much I wanted kids, I think my excitement wore off on him.
We didn't think it was going to be this hard. But then, who does. We tried casually for a year. No pressure, just having fun! After it didn't happen then, we both went in to get checked out. Of course, it would have to be me, right. He has the virility of an 18 year old. I found out I have PCOS. So we went to a RE and we tried Metformin first to regulate me. Man, did that stuff make me sick. But I figured it was worth it. That didn't work. So then added Clomid. I went through six cycles of that. My RE said he didn't want to give up on me, but wanted to send me to someone who could give me better direction. So I lost 30 pounds and began treatment at a reproduction assistance clinic. They are supposed to be the best in the area. Someone put it really well recently...you get renewed hope every time there is a new procedure or new dose. I don't know what is worse, the hope or the let down.
I keep trying to stay positive. It is getting harder. This last doctor's appointment was the worst yet. Even though I had a great FSH IUI cycle, it didn't work. And they suggest I go to IVF. Unfortunately, we can't afford that. I don't know a lot of people that can. I am trying not to give up. I am trying to find the strength to find alternatives. Some days, I am not sure if I have it.
We were going to try and do one last IUI cycle, but when I went in for the baseline E2 and sonogram, they found a rather large cyst on my left ovary. Another disappointment when I am trying to stay positive. How can someone be so optimistic when the greatest thing every wanted is just out of reach?