Sunday, November 9, 2008

New Beginning

We start with our first frozen IVF cycle next week. This one is supposed to be a lot easier on the body.

Here is the one thing that I wonder. Okay, I hope and pray with everything that I have that this works. So, if it does...can I enjoy the pregnancy? I just wonder if I will always be wondering if each kick or movement or cramp, pain or spot will be the one time.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Getting through the fear

I went to the doctor again on Monday. I still have not had a full period. So they are putting me on stronger meds to force one. I go back in two weeks either way.

He cleared us to try again. We have one frozen embie so I pray that it makes it to thawing when we are ready. My sister has also agreed to be a donor of her eggs. It makes me so happy and so sad at the same time that she is so willing to do that for me. I hope she realizes how tough it is. But she did say that she already knows how rewarding it is because she already has two of her own.

I just need to find the strength within to get up every day and keep moving.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Trying to keep moving

I haven't posted in a long time.

Reading the previous posts just make me cry. I still cry alot. I lost the baby (babies) at 7.5weeks. I would have been 12 weeks today.

I started spotting at 6.5 weeks and the doctor's said it was normal. Not until 3 days later did I beg to come in. They said that they wouldn't be able to see anything on a sonogram so I begged for a blood test. I had two. My HCG levels declined. So the bleeding wasn't just bleeding. They were gone.

I am so scared. I am scared that I will never get over this pain. I am scared that I will never know what it is like to hold my child. I am scared to try again.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


I keep feeling this need to fill out this pregnancy journal that I found online. It is pretty cool because once you have the baby, you can print out the pages or pictures that you want and but it in the baby book. Only thing is that once I get there, I don't know what to put in the days. I want to go back and put when I found out, and how I feel. I think part of it is that I am so tired when I get home at night that I just can't even get it together enough to get on the computer. Sleep always sounds better.

So, I previously posted that DH uses humor alot. He usually uses it instead of talking about how he really feels. It is his way of dealing with things because I am always so emotional. Last night, as we were driving to go have dinner with family, he said "I wake up every morning and thank God that you are pregnant. And then I pray for safe healthy babies." It is probably one of the best things that he has ever said to me.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Funny how things happen

I wanted to leave the last post with a dramatic pause. Not sure how that was working out for me. :-) Just being silly.

Even though IVF can be stressful, it can be very rewarding. It is amazing how science can take over and do for us what our bodies cannot.

Update on our IVF cycle. Right now I am 5weeks pregnant. Wow, to write it down after so long is still a little surreal. I know it is still early. I still have faith. We go on the 29th to find how many munchkins are in there and see a heartbeat. I am so excited that I want to scream it from the rooftops. I also know the need to keep it inside for just a little bit longer.

So, the funny part about this is the little things that DH says. He always interjects humor because it defuses my worries (and sometimes anger.) So after the doctor called and told us the good news, he was lying there in bed (playing with the dogs) and looked up at me so seriously. I thought that he was going to say something profound. Nope. He says "So, is it mine?" I looked at him without breaking stride and said, "Truthfully, I don't know. I don't even know if it is mine." Of course, we were being silly but we are at the will of the clinic.

I wanted to post that because there are silly moments that come up. I will forget them if I don't write them down. So why not share, right?

Monday, September 8, 2008

Feed your Faith

Wow, it took me awhile to get back to this didn't it?

Just to update: I took a little more time off in order to lose some weight. Which I did. I was down 45 pounds. Still about 30 from goal, but learning how to eat and making it a lifestyle change has been my main goal. The other major change is that after posting the last few blogs, we had a change of heart with the original clinic. After the first of the year, we changed and I found the best doctor ever. I think finding the right clinic and being absolutely comfortable with the staff and the doctors makes IF bearable some days.

So after getting my charts together and determining what will be the best course of action, we started and IUI cycle. The first cycle went well. Tried some different meds and it seemed to be the one. It wasn't. We tried it again and after about 9 days of stimulation, my ovaries weren't responding. The follicles just wouldn't grow. I am sure alot of women with PCOS understands what that feels like. Doc cancelled the cycle due to non-response. The meeting with the RE was difficult but encouraging. He suggested going right to IVF.


That was my first thought. But we had taken some preparations for it this time. At the first of the year, we took advantage of my DH's FlexSpending Plan at work. We did the max. Did the max on mine too (only half as much.) So this will cover meds and 1 IVF cycle. But by the time we decided to do an IVF cycle, we had already spent quite a bit on meds for the 1.5 IUI cycles. We almost asked family, but I wasn't sure how it would go over. We got a loan...for one cycle still having money for meds in the spending account.

IVF cycles are stressful. But for some reason, I felt good. Not just optimistic good, but faith in a higher power good.

Some of my friends and I were talking about what you go through doing IVF. Trying not to stress is the hardest thing. I think the internet may make it worse. Now we can research each and every one of our fears!

We wait to see if our follicles will grow. We wait to see how many eggs we get. We wait to see how many fertilized. Then we wait to see when we get to transfer. THEN, you get to wait to see if you get good beta numbers. I haven't seen this much hurry up and wait since I was in the NAVY. But this one changes your life. This is the one that you have been waiting for your whole life. Sometimes the wait feels excruciating.

You know one of the biggest things I have learned so far in this? It isn't in your hands. You can believe that it is in the doctors, labs, nurses hands. I believe that it is in GOD's hands. I think that made a hugh difference. Faith.

I read this great phrase one day. I don't know where it comes from but it says "Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death."