The beginning of our new life..

I wanted to start a Journal but I have been horrible. And horribly tired.

So the update is that we are pregnant with Twins!!! Right now I am 10w4d along and they are doing great. I am already showing which is okay with me because of how long it took us to get here. We are starting to get all our ducks in a row. At least as much as possible.

We were looking into buying a bigger house but I think that it is most important to have all our family close. So we will just start moving stuff out of our 1100 sq ft house and move it either bye-bye or to storage for now. We are going to try and do a project every weekend. It might take us between now and then to get them all done!

I have been fairly lucky when it comes to morning sickness. Only 2x and it was late in the day. I get all day and all night heartburn which is gross but I am not hanging over the porcelain commode so I feel pretty good about that.

The only complaint I have right now is when people find out, they want to touch my stomach. They have never wanted to come that close before and I haven't let them. Why do they think that now is the time? I know it sounds like I am being a Beeooo...well you get the point but I am a pretty non-touchy-feely kind of person. I don't mine DH touching me, but I like my space. Anyone else want to kick shins of people who come up and touch your belly? I am hoping it is just pregnancy hormones...

WOW, time does funny things.

Again, I hadn't posted in awhile. I need to be better at this. Still makes me cry to read the other posts. I keep wanting to start that journal again. Here I am, pregnant for a 3rd time and absolutely terrified. I keep trying because the one thing that I want more than anything is have a baby. A piece of DH and I.

So we did a fresh IVF cycle on the 30th. (Frozen cycle ended in m/c at 7 weeks.) I know that I am pregnant. I haven't peed on a stick and my beta isn't until Saturday, but I know. It isn't the problem getting pregnant, just staying that way.

The biggest difference this time is I have more faith. More faith in God, more faith in my doctors, just more. I started to go to church about 3 months ago before we started the process again. It gives me peace to know that it is all in His hands. It's still terrifying though.

I just want to be able to enjoy my entire pregnancy.

New Beginning

We start with our first frozen IVF cycle next week. This one is supposed to be a lot easier on the body.

Here is the one thing that I wonder. Okay, I hope and pray with everything that I have that this works. So, if it does...can I enjoy the pregnancy? I just wonder if I will always be wondering if each kick or movement or cramp, pain or spot will be the one time.

Getting through the fear

I went to the doctor again on Monday. I still have not had a full period. So they are putting me on stronger meds to force one. I go back in two weeks either way.

He cleared us to try again. We have one frozen embie so I pray that it makes it to thawing when we are ready. My sister has also agreed to be a donor of her eggs. It makes me so happy and so sad at the same time that she is so willing to do that for me. I hope she realizes how tough it is. But she did say that she already knows how rewarding it is because she already has two of her own.

I just need to find the strength within to get up every day and keep moving.

Trying to keep moving

I haven't posted in a long time.

Reading the previous posts just make me cry. I still cry alot. I lost the baby (babies) at 7.5weeks. I would have been 12 weeks today.

I started spotting at 6.5 weeks and the doctor's said it was normal. Not until 3 days later did I beg to come in. They said that they wouldn't be able to see anything on a sonogram so I begged for a blood test. I had two. My HCG levels declined. So the bleeding wasn't just bleeding. They were gone.

I am so scared. I am scared that I will never get over this pain. I am scared that I will never know what it is like to hold my child. I am scared to try again.

Journal

I keep feeling this need to fill out this pregnancy journal that I found online. It is pretty cool because once you have the baby, you can print out the pages or pictures that you want and but it in the baby book. Only thing is that once I get there, I don't know what to put in the days. I want to go back and put when I found out, and how I feel. I think part of it is that I am so tired when I get home at night that I just can't even get it together enough to get on the computer. Sleep always sounds better.

So, I previously posted that DH uses humor alot. He usually uses it instead of talking about how he really feels. It is his way of dealing with things because I am always so emotional. Last night, as we were driving to go have dinner with family, he said "I wake up every morning and thank God that you are pregnant. And then I pray for safe healthy babies." It is probably one of the best things that he has ever said to me.

Funny how things happen

I wanted to leave the last post with a dramatic pause. Not sure how that was working out for me. :-) Just being silly.

Even though IVF can be stressful, it can be very rewarding. It is amazing how science can take over and do for us what our bodies cannot.

Update on our IVF cycle. Right now I am 5weeks pregnant. Wow, to write it down after so long is still a little surreal. I know it is still early. I still have faith. We go on the 29th to find how many munchkins are in there and see a heartbeat. I am so excited that I want to scream it from the rooftops. I also know the need to keep it inside for just a little bit longer.

So, the funny part about this is the little things that DH says. He always interjects humor because it defuses my worries (and sometimes anger.) So after the doctor called and told us the good news, he was lying there in bed (playing with the dogs) and looked up at me so seriously. I thought that he was going to say something profound. Nope. He says "So, is it mine?" I looked at him without breaking stride and said, "Truthfully, I don't know. I don't even know if it is mine." Of course, we were being silly but we are at the will of the clinic.

I wanted to post that because there are silly moments that come up. I will forget them if I don't write them down. So why not share, right?

Feed your Faith

Wow, it took me awhile to get back to this didn't it?

Just to update: I took a little more time off in order to lose some weight. Which I did. I was down 45 pounds. Still about 30 from goal, but learning how to eat and making it a lifestyle change has been my main goal. The other major change is that after posting the last few blogs, we had a change of heart with the original clinic. After the first of the year, we changed and I found the best doctor ever. I think finding the right clinic and being absolutely comfortable with the staff and the doctors makes IF bearable some days.

So after getting my charts together and determining what will be the best course of action, we started and IUI cycle. The first cycle went well. Tried some different meds and it seemed to be the one. It wasn't. We tried it again and after about 9 days of stimulation, my ovaries weren't responding. The follicles just wouldn't grow. I am sure alot of women with PCOS understands what that feels like. Doc cancelled the cycle due to non-response. The meeting with the RE was difficult but encouraging. He suggested going right to IVF.

Money!

That was my first thought. But we had taken some preparations for it this time. At the first of the year, we took advantage of my DH's FlexSpending Plan at work. We did the max. Did the max on mine too (only half as much.) So this will cover meds and 1 IVF cycle. But by the time we decided to do an IVF cycle, we had already spent quite a bit on meds for the 1.5 IUI cycles. We almost asked family, but I wasn't sure how it would go over. We got a loan...for one cycle still having money for meds in the spending account.

IVF cycles are stressful. But for some reason, I felt good. Not just optimistic good, but faith in a higher power good.

Some of my friends and I were talking about what you go through doing IVF. Trying not to stress is the hardest thing. I think the internet may make it worse. Now we can research each and every one of our fears!

We wait to see if our follicles will grow. We wait to see how many eggs we get. We wait to see how many fertilized. Then we wait to see when we get to transfer. THEN, you get to wait to see if you get good beta numbers. I haven't seen this much hurry up and wait since I was in the NAVY. But this one changes your life. This is the one that you have been waiting for your whole life. Sometimes the wait feels excruciating.

You know one of the biggest things I have learned so far in this? It isn't in your hands. You can believe that it is in the doctors, labs, nurses hands. I believe that it is in GOD's hands. I think that made a hugh difference. Faith.

I read this great phrase one day. I don't know where it comes from but it says "Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death."

Another Day...

This weekend was actually a good one. I don't think that I thought about not having kids as much as I normally do. I did think about how much I love being with my sweet DH. He really is a great guy.


I have a friend who had similar problems conceiving on her own. They were about ready to adopt when she got pregnant with her first son. I don't think I really asked her what happened. I guess that I should. She said something profound to me the other day. "Don't let this define who you are." Man, is that hard not to do. I mean, didn't God put me on this earth to procreate?

Okay...this is my first try at this. I almost bought a journal the other day, but carrying and actually writing in it isn't very probable. Lately, I have had so much on my mind and feel that they people I have to physically talk to about it, wouldn't understand. I read a blog on here and it was like she was living my life. So, here I go.

My husband and I have been married just over 2 years. He is a great person. Energetic, funny...my rock and island when I feel like I am floating away. This is a second marriage for both so I think that we came into our relationship knowing what works and what doesn't. Neither one of us has had any children either. His first wife had three from a previous marriage, so he felt that he was okay with taking a part in their lives instead of having their own. But when we got married and he know how much I wanted kids, I think my excitement wore off on him.

We didn't think it was going to be this hard. But then, who does. We tried casually for a year. No pressure, just having fun! After it didn't happen then, we both went in to get checked out. Of course, it would have to be me, right. He has the virility of an 18 year old. I found out I have PCOS. So we went to a RE and we tried Metformin first to regulate me. Man, did that stuff make me sick. But I figured it was worth it. That didn't work. So then added Clomid. I went through six cycles of that. My RE said he didn't want to give up on me, but wanted to send me to someone who could give me better direction. So I lost 30 pounds and began treatment at a reproduction assistance clinic. They are supposed to be the best in the area. Someone put it really well recently...you get renewed hope every time there is a new procedure or new dose. I don't know what is worse, the hope or the let down.

I keep trying to stay positive. It is getting harder. This last doctor's appointment was the worst yet. Even though I had a great FSH IUI cycle, it didn't work. And they suggest I go to IVF. Unfortunately, we can't afford that. I don't know a lot of people that can. I am trying not to give up. I am trying to find the strength to find alternatives. Some days, I am not sure if I have it.

We were going to try and do one last IUI cycle, but when I went in for the baseline E2 and sonogram, they found a rather large cyst on my left ovary. Another disappointment when I am trying to stay positive. How can someone be so optimistic when the greatest thing every wanted is just out of reach?