The beginning of our new life..

I wanted to start a Journal but I have been horrible. And horribly tired.

So the update is that we are pregnant with Twins!!! Right now I am 10w4d along and they are doing great. I am already showing which is okay with me because of how long it took us to get here. We are starting to get all our ducks in a row. At least as much as possible.

We were looking into buying a bigger house but I think that it is most important to have all our family close. So we will just start moving stuff out of our 1100 sq ft house and move it either bye-bye or to storage for now. We are going to try and do a project every weekend. It might take us between now and then to get them all done!

I have been fairly lucky when it comes to morning sickness. Only 2x and it was late in the day. I get all day and all night heartburn which is gross but I am not hanging over the porcelain commode so I feel pretty good about that.

The only complaint I have right now is when people find out, they want to touch my stomach. They have never wanted to come that close before and I haven't let them. Why do they think that now is the time? I know it sounds like I am being a Beeooo...well you get the point but I am a pretty non-touchy-feely kind of person. I don't mine DH touching me, but I like my space. Anyone else want to kick shins of people who come up and touch your belly? I am hoping it is just pregnancy hormones...

WOW, time does funny things.

Again, I hadn't posted in awhile. I need to be better at this. Still makes me cry to read the other posts. I keep wanting to start that journal again. Here I am, pregnant for a 3rd time and absolutely terrified. I keep trying because the one thing that I want more than anything is have a baby. A piece of DH and I.

So we did a fresh IVF cycle on the 30th. (Frozen cycle ended in m/c at 7 weeks.) I know that I am pregnant. I haven't peed on a stick and my beta isn't until Saturday, but I know. It isn't the problem getting pregnant, just staying that way.

The biggest difference this time is I have more faith. More faith in God, more faith in my doctors, just more. I started to go to church about 3 months ago before we started the process again. It gives me peace to know that it is all in His hands. It's still terrifying though.

I just want to be able to enjoy my entire pregnancy.

New Beginning

We start with our first frozen IVF cycle next week. This one is supposed to be a lot easier on the body.

Here is the one thing that I wonder. Okay, I hope and pray with everything that I have that this works. So, if it does...can I enjoy the pregnancy? I just wonder if I will always be wondering if each kick or movement or cramp, pain or spot will be the one time.

Getting through the fear

I went to the doctor again on Monday. I still have not had a full period. So they are putting me on stronger meds to force one. I go back in two weeks either way.

He cleared us to try again. We have one frozen embie so I pray that it makes it to thawing when we are ready. My sister has also agreed to be a donor of her eggs. It makes me so happy and so sad at the same time that she is so willing to do that for me. I hope she realizes how tough it is. But she did say that she already knows how rewarding it is because she already has two of her own.

I just need to find the strength within to get up every day and keep moving.

Trying to keep moving

I haven't posted in a long time.

Reading the previous posts just make me cry. I still cry alot. I lost the baby (babies) at 7.5weeks. I would have been 12 weeks today.

I started spotting at 6.5 weeks and the doctor's said it was normal. Not until 3 days later did I beg to come in. They said that they wouldn't be able to see anything on a sonogram so I begged for a blood test. I had two. My HCG levels declined. So the bleeding wasn't just bleeding. They were gone.

I am so scared. I am scared that I will never get over this pain. I am scared that I will never know what it is like to hold my child. I am scared to try again.

Journal

I keep feeling this need to fill out this pregnancy journal that I found online. It is pretty cool because once you have the baby, you can print out the pages or pictures that you want and but it in the baby book. Only thing is that once I get there, I don't know what to put in the days. I want to go back and put when I found out, and how I feel. I think part of it is that I am so tired when I get home at night that I just can't even get it together enough to get on the computer. Sleep always sounds better.

So, I previously posted that DH uses humor alot. He usually uses it instead of talking about how he really feels. It is his way of dealing with things because I am always so emotional. Last night, as we were driving to go have dinner with family, he said "I wake up every morning and thank God that you are pregnant. And then I pray for safe healthy babies." It is probably one of the best things that he has ever said to me.

Funny how things happen

I wanted to leave the last post with a dramatic pause. Not sure how that was working out for me. :-) Just being silly.

Even though IVF can be stressful, it can be very rewarding. It is amazing how science can take over and do for us what our bodies cannot.

Update on our IVF cycle. Right now I am 5weeks pregnant. Wow, to write it down after so long is still a little surreal. I know it is still early. I still have faith. We go on the 29th to find how many munchkins are in there and see a heartbeat. I am so excited that I want to scream it from the rooftops. I also know the need to keep it inside for just a little bit longer.

So, the funny part about this is the little things that DH says. He always interjects humor because it defuses my worries (and sometimes anger.) So after the doctor called and told us the good news, he was lying there in bed (playing with the dogs) and looked up at me so seriously. I thought that he was going to say something profound. Nope. He says "So, is it mine?" I looked at him without breaking stride and said, "Truthfully, I don't know. I don't even know if it is mine." Of course, we were being silly but we are at the will of the clinic.

I wanted to post that because there are silly moments that come up. I will forget them if I don't write them down. So why not share, right?